Recovery in the Calorie Culture

Weight loss. Diets. Calorie-burning. It seems like no matter where we go (aside from eating disorder treatment, where those words aren't allowed), we can't escape this cultural obsession. Even in my yoga classes, I hear about it. Why? Because if it doesn't help you to lose weight, people are not going to want to do it. When I was training for my first half-marathon, my running coach recommended that we all try to do yoga regularly to prevent injuries. A friend from my running group said "No way, that hardly burns any calories." Sometimes I wish I had the courage to say what comes to mind, because my thought was, "It burns more calories than you're going to burn while you're injured on the couch from not stretching enough!"

As someone who is recovered from an eating disorder, I no longer get "triggered" when someone mentions weight loss, diets, or calories. I do, however, still get annoyed when I'm trying to have this great mind-body experience in yoga or spin class and the instructor says, "Think of a goal. What are you trying to achieve by being here today?" and then before I have the time to think of a goal or intention, the instructor tells me that I am probably aiming to work off those "holiday pounds." I don't even know if I gained any "holiday pounds." And I don't care.

So what I am writing about today is something that took me five long years to figure out: how to fully recover despite society's constant weight loss messages.

Challenge #1: SET YOUR OWN GOALS. When I'm in a spin class or yoga class and the instructor says to set an intention or a goal, I think about what's really bringing me there. In general, I don't let myself work out if my deepest motivation is to burn calories and lose weight. So when I'm on the bike or sitting in sukhasana, I try to tap into why I am working out. If I realize that what brought me to the class today is weight-related, I try to think deeper. What is going on with me that I am so focused on weight right now? What void am I trying to fill? Have I been overwhelmed with the holidays? Stressed out? What do I need to take myself out of the superficial weight-centered mindset and go deeper? Often, my goal is a simple "I want to feel good." Sometimes it's "I want to feel strong" and other times it's "I want to feel balanced" or "I want to clear my mind." My running coach once asked us why we run. All of the other women in my group said that they were running to lose weight. I said I was running because it gave me a mental sense of peace that I couldn't find anywhere else. Exercising with a weight goal in mind turns it into a chore, but exercising because of the mental or spiritual benefit, the feeling that you get from a run, a spin class, or a yoga session, makes exercise enjoyable and takes you away from the old ED mindset of exercising for calorie burn.

Challenge #2: EAT WHAT YOU WANT. I still struggle with comparing myself to others from time to time. It's the hardest for me when I go out to lunch or dinner with a friend and they order a salad. Although salads are actually NOT always the healthiest choice on the menu, most of my friends believe that they are "being good" (food choices do NOT make you good or bad!) and sacrificing something by ordering salad, and I feel like if I order something more "fun" than a salad, they will get some feeling of satisfaction knowing that they are "being good" while I am "being bad." Is this possibly all in my head? Yes, very likely so. Which is why I fight against this urge. Recently, a friend wanted to order "just a cobb salad...I've been bad lately, I need to be good" and what I really wanted was a turkey burger with sweet potato fries. I had to remind myself that even if my friend believes that a salad is "good" while a burger is "bad," I KNOW that there are no good foods and bad foods. I also know that if I order a salad when I am really wanting something different, I will not feel satisfied. PUT THAT NUTRITION KNOWLEDGE TO GOOD USE! Many, if not most, people who have been through EDs, especially those of us who have been through treatment, have a much better understanding of nutrition than our counterparts. We have a long history of taking that nutrition knowledge and using it for sick purposes. Why not take that knowledge and use it to allow ourselves to enjoy our food and eat what we want!?

Challenge #3: SPEAK UP! I drive my therapist crazy when I tell her a story and say, "And then I was like, oh my god, you're so ridiculous, that's not the kind of thing you say to a person!" She always says, "Did you really say that?" and I say, "No, I just THOUGHT it." Well, recently, I've started to actually say something. Especially when it comes to friends' and family's (and strangers') misconceptions about food. I was so upset the first time I tried to explain hunger and fullness cues to my family. My parents seriously laughed at me, laughed at the thought of "listening to your body." I didn't let that get me down though. I've mentioned the concept of moderation and intuitive eating to my parents on other occasions (my dad is a member of the "clean plate club," as well as a hot dog addict, and believes that his high blood pressure is just genetic) and they've kind of stopped laughing at me. I've also spoken up to friends who are obsessed with dieting, encouraging them to embrace a health-based instead of restrictive attitude. Most recently, though, I started reading some nutritionists' blogs that I was really disagreeing with. These nutritionists were specialists in weight loss, it seemed, but they were encouraging their clients, when they wanted to maintain weight, to continue with a diet/calorie-obsessed outlook. I left comments about the importance of intuitive eating and moderation in weight maintenance. I have no clue if anyone actually read my comments, but by speaking up, I feel less a "victim" of the calorie culture and more a "renegade" in fighting the calorie and weight obsession!

Challenge #4: DISARM! Triggers are just that - they allow you to shoot a loaded gun. Unfortunately, the "calorie culture" is everywhere - on TV, on the radio, at the gym, in conversation with friends and family, all over the internet. One of the biggest challenge is to unload the ammunition from your gun. Former "triggers" still make me angry and frustrated sometimes, but they no longer cause an eating disordered behavior, or even thought. It's behavioral, really. Fight against the urge from a trigger a few times, and eventually you've unloaded it. It no longer triggers a behavior. I know that this is easier said and done, and I know that a big part of eating disorders exists outside of the societal obsession with weight. However, recovering in this culture really does require disarming our guns.

These are a few things that have been really instrumental for me in my recovery. I know that it's different for everyone, and that recovery is far more complex than a "how to" blog post, but these are little challenges that I find have helped me immensely. If you decide to try any of these challenges, I'd love to hear how it goes for you.