My love affair with Diet Coke

My name is Jessica and I am a diet soda addict. I have been for ten years and counting. I'd like to explore why.

In the beginning, my diet soda addiction was a function of my eating disorder. Sugar-free Jell-O and Diet Coke were my favorite foods and as a 9th grmader, I constantly fantasized about the day four years in the future when I would move in to college and have a fridge stocked with nothing but those "essentials". Although my Diet Coke consumption was pretty high during my high school years, I started college ready to be healthier and normal, and stocked my room with Easy Mac and water. There was a vending machine downstairs in the residence hall. There were two vending machines, actually. One had snacks and one had sodas. I think I used the snack machine maybe three times but by October, I was already out of vending machine points due to my addiction to diet soda. It was a Pepsi school, and I drank 20 ounce bottles of Diet Pepsi like it was my job. In the morning, I'd pick one up on my way to class. I'd get one in the dining hall at lunch, another one to get through my afternoon class, a few at dinner since the all-you-can--eat dining hall provided free refills, and if I got a night snack, I had one then too. It wasn't "eating disordered." My eating disorder was the farthest thing from my mind during those early college years. But my addiction held strong. I never really saw it as a problem, just a quirk. "I drink a lot of Diet Coke," I'd say with a smile when asked for an interesting fact about me.
At the end of college, a few things happened. As a result, I moved off campus and no longer had access to vending machines, no longer had a meal plan. I had to buy soda at the grocery store! My eating disorder also set on fire, and my soda bill at Wegmans was higher than my food bill! Drinking sleeve after sleeve of Diet Coke did shed light on the fact that I was drinking a lot. I could actually see the evidence. I just didn't care.

The summer after graduation, I can recall a specific incident where I was arguing with my mom. Yelling and screaming, and yelling at her for not screaming. Directly before this fight, I had just consumed an entire 12-pack of Diet Dr Pepper. I didn't care.

Soon after that fight, I began day treatment at Renfrew. I told the dietitian how much soda I drank and she suggested I cut back. During breaks, I would sneak to the "illegal soda shop" and buy a Diet Coke (it was a wireless phone store, and they didn't have a permit from the Health Department to sell food or beverages so they covered up their soda fridges with newspaper. Perfect since drinking soda during day program was forbidden anyway). Some people would bring their sodas back up to the treatment rooms and sneak sips in between groups. I, on the other hand, would chug all 20 ounces, because even as an addict, I was a soda snob and wanted it cold and bubbly. I even met a friend, a fellow Diet Coke addict, who preferred her soda warm and flat. Sometimes we would sit in Starbucks after program drinking sodas and I would give her the end of mine. That is true friendship.

Residential treatment was a challenge, but it was one I was ready to take on. And in all seriousness, I was ready to conquer my eating disorder but not my soda addiction. Obviously, the soda addiction was psychological, but the caffeine addiction was real and physical (we were allowed one cup of caffeinated coffee in the morning, which I drank despite not liking coffee, but that didn't cut it since I was up to 20 sodas a day at that point). The first couple of days were painful. On the 3rd day, we went on an outing to CVS. My roommate stole a bottle of Coke (regular, not diet!) for me and another girl to share. We freaked out over whether it was worth it to drink the Coke, and I personally freaked out about whether I could consume something that had been shoplifted. I the end I had a few sips. Soon after, I was allowed out on passes and I would drink as much Diet Coke as possible while I was out. Then someone taught me how to bring soda back into the building without getting caught. I learned how to put up to three sodas in the crotch of my pants and walk past staff back to my room. I also stopped being such a soda snob and drank my soda warm when I had no other option.

Eventually, I was discharged and continued to move forward with my health. I was still drinking 6-10 Diet Cokes a day. One day, on the beach, I had a panic attack after drinking a bottle of Pepsi Max. That incident sparked my first ever voluntary separation from Diet Coke. It was brutal at first, but eventually I realized that it was great to wake up in the morning and not need caffeine.

I wish I could say that was the end of my love affair, but I went back and forth, back and forth for a couple of years.

In 2011, I had a rebirth of sorts. I started running and stopped drinking caffeine. I was the happiest and most relaxed I had ever been. Eventually, I caved and started drinking the occasional Diet Coke, but I would like to think I'm more balanced now. I rarely drink more than 2 a day (and when I do, I feel extremely guilty - the way I used to feel about food, but this makes more sense because I am probably doing my body more harm than good).

I have an addiction. To caffeine, to bubbles, to that specific flavor (although I'll occasionally drink caffeine free Diet Coke or a Sprite Zero). Compared to what it was, it's under control. There is so much research put there that diet soda causes cancer, obesity, and who knows what else. I would like to stop drinking soda, but when I stop, I miss it. Is it like smoking or drinking? Is it so bad for me that I need to stop? Research is inconsistent. When they start IDing me to buy a Diet Coke, maybe then I'll stop completely. But even if I totally quit, it will just be a long-distance love affair. Diet Coke and I really have something.