Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Soul Cycle Intentions - Honesty (What is in your way?)

So it's been a while, but here I am. Still blogging about my Soul Cycle intentions. Nina still never fails to inspire me and get the wheels of the bike in my brain turning, but today, my experience was different. I thought about things I really never thought about before.

"Honesty." She said it in a list of other words - and to be honest, I don't even remember what the other words were. Strength? Self-confidence? Something along those lines. But honesty set off sirens in my mind.

I'm a nice person. I'm a good person. I'm generally an honest person. But there have been quite a few things lately that I haven't been entirely honest about. So it got me thinking about why I have not been honest. I have been dishonest because I want people to like me, to approve of me and approve of my life choices. I don't want people to be upset with me or look down on me.

Would these people actually feel this way if they knew the truth? Probably not. I've been dishonest with others mostly because I am judging myself harshly.

So what is in my way? My behaviors of judging myself harshly, and of being dishonest.

Dishonesty changed my life a long time ago. At least, I credit it with doing so. I was very overweight as a child, and went to a school where my ethnicity was the minority. I ended up becoming friends with a couple of girls who were part of the "popular" group. I remember feeling so good getting to play with them at recess, even if I only spent time with a couple of them outside of school. I stretched the truth on a few occasions, because I wanted the girls to like me more. Eventually, they called me out on my lies and stopped talking to me. Even now, about seventeen years later, we are not facebook friends (and many people who I've never spoken to in my life are my facebook friends), I avoid them in public, and I say to others, "I don't like them." I had a rough time with friends in middle school (and, I guess, who doesn't?) and really a rough time in general. I sometimes can't help but wonder how my life would be different if I had been honest then.

In struggling with anxiety, depression, anorexia, bulimia, and self-injury, lies and deception were part of what allowed me to survive. I did not believe that I could survive without my "vices" and I had to hide those behaviors from others. Lying, deception, and dishonesty kept me from completely losing my mind. Dishonesty became my best friend.

I pride myself on my recovery. I have achieved a level of health and stability that I never thought was possible. I proudly call myself "recovered." Yet something that was a big part of my disordered existence is still part of my day to day life. Dishonesty may be all I have left of my eating disorder.

I am not dishonest on a regular basis by any means, but it still comes up from time to time, more than I would like it to, over things that are really pretty trivial. Based on self-judgment. Based on the fact that it's all I knew for so long. It may be the road block between who I am and who I want to be. It's time to work on being honest with myself and with others.