So why am I writing here about this? Not to complain about my body. To tell you how AWESOME my body is.
I can run miles. I can work do chatturanga after chatturanga after chatturanga during my yoga class. I can carry around babies for hours. I can climb, tumble, and play with the best of the toddlers. I can twist my body into a pretzel, squeeze into small spaces, do headstands and cartwheels. I shop in your standard stores, in the juniors and petites and misses sections, even in the kids section from time to time.
I'm pretty sure that when the NIH developed BMI calculators and split weights into categories, they didn't think that "obese" looked like me. I still have a bit of an eating disordered brain and see myself as "okay" but "definitely overweight." Friends, family, even doctors have told me that I don't "look overweight." So it boggles my mind that I could be considered obese. They do say not to use these calculators for bodybuilders or professional athletes. I'm really neither.
I'm stronger, healthier, and more goddamn attractive than I was 20 or 30 pounds ago. I was always pretty strong. I managed to stay relatively healthy. And I never thought I was that attractive. But in regaining physical and mental health (and a few pounds), I've been able to turn my life around. And around. And around. And around.
I'm somewhere that I never thought possible. RecoverED (not in recoverY) And at a terrifyingly high weight. An "obese" weight. That's not medically unhealthy at all. I have low-normal blood pressure, perfect cholesterol, great bone density (above average, thank you G-d! I must have had SUPER DENSE bones before the ED and insane Diet Coke addiction took their toll), flawless lung functioning. I eat healthily: my nutritionist once told me that people should eat a healthful, balanced diet 75% of the time, and whatever they want the other 25% of the time. I think that's about where I'm at. Any of my physical problems (lower BP, easily dehydrated, tendency towards orthostatic hypotension, crappy immune system) are due to my history of anorexia and bulimia.
I have friends. I have faith. I have clothes that I look and feel good in. I have a treatment team I can depend on. I have a SELF that I can depend on, too. I am goddamn fine. Technically, obesity refers to body FAT, and I wouldn't really qualify, but since the easy way to figure that out is through BMI, most would just consider me "obese." I'm really NOT okay with THAT. But I am okay with myself.
3 comments:
As you know my beautiful Jess, I have the same feelings about my being obese and my body. I LOVE your sexy curvaceous body, it's very reminiscent of Marylin Monroe. I am so proud of you for loving your body and giving it health, like I am!
I love you so much BFF, keep on shining!!!
This is so fucking awesome. And one of the most mentally-healthy posts I have EVER read from someone writing about eating disorders. Um...you GO girl. If we were at Klarman right now you would def get the YOU GO GIRL box. Except neither of us need to be at Klarman because we are rockin'. Also I hate that fucking place. They're fucking Nazis. (As I've said before I don't respond to tough-love.)
To respond to the Klar comment, I'd put an anonymous suggestion in the suggestion box saying that we should have a Bow Down To Jess Day because she is the new Goddess of the Recovered. I always got in trouble for my tongue-in-cheek suggestions. I don't get why Chippendales dancers wouldn't help my recovery?
ANYWAYS, Jess, you are super gorgeous...but not just focusing on your foxy, foxy self, you also do so much. You babysit, you do yoga, you go to school, you run after trains. You go out, you go to Israel, you come up and see me...you are beautiful and awesome, and your body does exactly what it needs to. However, I'm jealous of your bone density. Mine was so awful before MAJOR EPIC COLLAPSE '06-'09 that doctors were like "Yup, your bones must have been balsa wood all your life." I don't even want to know now.
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