Tales from the Obese Body

I never ever thought I'd admit this publicly. But I am obese. This is not an eating disordered comment. If you look at the national institute of health's BMI calculator, I do, in fact, have an obese Body Mass Index.

So why am I writing here about this? Not to complain about my body. To tell you how AWESOME my body is.

I can run miles. I can work do chatturanga after chatturanga after chatturanga during my yoga class. I can carry around babies for hours. I can climb, tumble, and play with the best of the toddlers. I can twist my body into a pretzel, squeeze into small spaces, do headstands and cartwheels. I shop in your standard stores, in the juniors and petites and misses sections, even in the kids section from time to time.

I'm pretty sure that when the NIH developed BMI calculators and split weights into categories, they didn't think that "obese" looked like me. I still have a bit of an eating disordered brain and see myself as "okay" but "definitely overweight." Friends, family, even doctors have told me that I don't "look overweight." So it boggles my mind that I could be considered obese. They do say not to use these calculators for bodybuilders or professional athletes. I'm really neither.

I'm stronger, healthier, and more goddamn attractive than I was 20 or 30 pounds ago. I was always pretty strong. I managed to stay relatively healthy. And I never thought I was that attractive. But in regaining physical and mental health (and a few pounds), I've been able to turn my life around. And around. And around. And around.

I'm somewhere that I never thought possible. RecoverED (not in recoverY) And at a terrifyingly high weight. An "obese" weight. That's not medically unhealthy at all. I have low-normal blood pressure, perfect cholesterol, great bone density (above average, thank you G-d! I must have had SUPER DENSE bones before the ED and insane Diet Coke addiction took their toll), flawless lung functioning. I eat healthily: my nutritionist once told me that people should eat a healthful, balanced diet 75% of the time, and whatever they want the other 25% of the time. I think that's about where I'm at. Any of my physical problems (lower BP, easily dehydrated, tendency towards orthostatic hypotension, crappy immune system) are due to my history of anorexia and bulimia.

I have friends. I have faith. I have clothes that I look and feel good in. I have a treatment team I can depend on. I have a SELF that I can depend on, too. I am goddamn fine. Technically, obesity refers to body FAT, and I wouldn't really qualify, but since the easy way to figure that out is through BMI, most would just consider me "obese." I'm really NOT okay with THAT. But I am okay with myself.

What are you afraid of?

When someone who doesn't know much about you finds out that you struggle with anxiety, they might ask you what you're anxious about, what you're afraid of.
There are people out there who can explain their fears, phobias, obsessions, and so forth. But then there are people like me, who know that they're anxious but don't even fully know what they're so anxious about. Those workbooks don't always work either. Of course with this baseline level of anxiety, it's easy to get anxious about the little things in life, and those simple CBT exercises can work then, but as far as the basal anxiety, there's no way to explain it. You can't really effectively explain what the fear is, or even how it feels. It's not "being afraid of" something, it's different. You know that there's a difference between anxiety and fear.

When someone tells you, "don't worry," you know that they just don't get it. You're not worrying. Anxiety isn't an action, like worrying. It's a thing. A thing that can overtake you and a thing that can shut you down.

It's also a thing that can be overcome, but personally, I'm still working on that.

One song that we learned while I was in Israel is called "Kol Ha'olam Kulo," also known as "the narrow bridge" song.
The English translation of the song is that the whole world is a very narrow bridge, but the most important thing to remember is to not be afraid, at all.
When you're anxious, it definitely feels like the whole world is a very narrow bridge. One that's missing a few slats. One that might fall apart any minute. One that you have to stay on, somehow, because otherwise you fall in. It's shaky and it's scary and through the anxiety that the bridge builds, we become afraid of falling. The main thing is to not be afraid.
For someone like me, someone who has suffered from an anxiety disorder since age two or earlier, it's a good message. It's not saying to stop being anxious; it's saying to stop being afraid. The world being a narrow bridge basically, to me, says that the things that make us anxious (or that trigger any other negative emotion or feeling or behavior) are inescapable. We can avoid them sometimes but there will always be some. The most important thing we can do for ourselves is to stop letting those triggers affect us. Stop being held back. Stop being afraid - fear isn't going to make the narrow bridge any wider!
Basically, my chronic anxiety will never be fully alleviated. I've come to terms with that, although I know that it can definitely get better and be pretty dormant sometimes. But anxiety is one thing, fear is another. I need to live with my anxiety (and we need to live with the fact that the world is a very narrow bridge) but I need not let it control my life because that will only let it get worse (and we need to remember to not be afraid because that will distract us as we walk across the narrow bridge!).

So. I may not be able to describe what I'm afraid of or what my anxiety feels like, but it's different than fear and yet so tied to this beautiful song about having no fear.

Kol Ha'olam kulo
Gesher Tsar me'od
Gesher Tsar me'od
Gesher Tsar me'od -

Kol Ha'olam kulo
Gesher Tsar me'od -
Gesher Tsar me'od.

Veha'ikar - veha'ikar
Lo lefached -
lo lefached klal.

Veha'ikar - veha'ikar
lo lefached klal.

IN ENGLISH:

The whole world
is a very narrow bridge
a very narrow bridge
a very narrow bridge

The whole world
is a very narrow bridge -
A very narrow bridge.

And the main thing to recall -
is not to be afraid -
not to be afraid at all.

And the main thing to recall -
is not to be afraid at all.

כל העולם כולו
גשר צר מאוד
והעיקר, והעיקר
לא לפחד, לא לפחד כלל.