Some writings from a few months ago

Sometimes, I like to look back at my writing. I've sent out various text messages, emails, and facebook notes with random thoughts. Here's one I wrote in March, after being out of treatment for almost a year, that I am particularly proud of.

I don't even know where to start with this. I really wanted to write something just because I've been mentally reflecting on the changes to my life over the course of the past year. I mean my physical location and physical condition have obviously changed drastically, but that's the least of it.

The things I've learned about myself, and the things I've learned about others and the nature of life are incredible. There are people who have faded out of my life. There are people who had walked in and then out very quickly. And there are new people in my life who I'm so glad to have there. And each person brings with them something, or things, that contribute to who I am in this moment.

I could go on and on about the incredible people who are in my life at any given time. I have a tendency to see people for the true good inside of them. But for a change, that's not what I'm going to talk about. I'm going to talk about how I see things differently now.

I've learned to be a real person, having a heart and soul, strengths and needs, crisis and relaxation, and most importantly, balance and equilibrium. The idea of balance, equilibrium, grounding, peace always scared me. Terrified me. I didn't want to accept myself, I didn't want to feel comfortable enough to accept myself. I wanted to live in a constant state of discomfort so that I could always have that little monkey on my back nudging me to do whatever it wanted me to do to change myself.

I won't lie. I don't think I love myself. Not right now. But I am working towards accepting myself. I am willing to learn to do that. And from acceptance, maybe I'll find love. I have to accept myself the way I am before I can change anything. If I don't accept myself and try to change, then what am I changing from, anyway? "I can't accept myself because I don't like my current weight." I'll never like my weight no matter what it is if I can't accept myself first. Pain + Non-Acceptance = Suffering. A little DBT for you to think about. I suffered enough. It's time to accept.

I'm finding balance, peace, stability, enjoyment, happiness. I was so afraid of all of these things. But the more I sample them, the more I really want them. It's why I'm surrounding myself with like-minded people. It's why I do yoga, why I work with Andrea, why I read silly little books, why I do artwork and writing and take hot baths and hang upside down and why I go to work and school.

I believe that everything happens for a reason. Every person who walks in and out of our life. Every event, good or bad. Every piece of the puzzle will eventually fit together. I believe in magnetic attraction. I can't explain any other reason why I still ended up studying psychology despite hating my intro class, why I kept going back and trying yoga again and again till it clicked (especially after hating it at RCC, and then pinching a nerve in my shoulder from overextending in freakin child's pose at CEDC, and being bored in a Sunday morning class), why I had a steady well-paying job and sought out another one that I adore, why these people who have been through their own struggles and now are moving forward in their own lives have walked across my path to inspire me at just the right times. I have no other way to explain it. It just happens for a reason.

That's the other thing. That it happens. It just does. It's life and it unfolds itself and while you've got the power to make the best decisions with the given circumstances, life itself is what you do with what you're given. The greatest life can unfold itself before you and you can sit in the corner. Or a life with ups and downs and struggles everywhere can be laid down in front of you and you can get over each mountain and roll down each hill with more and more strength than the time before, and come out of the whole thing with so much that you've accomplished for yourself, so much that you've given to others, and so much value.

So my lessons that I've learned this year?

Live. Try. Grow. Hurt. Accept. Embrace. Reflect.