I saw the movie To Save a Life today. I didn't realize that it would have such a religious undercurrent to it - being "saved" and stuff. I didn't necessarily judge the movie based on that, but it did give me some interesting thoughts about society. Actually, I was having thoughts that were somewhat related to this before the movie.
Why does it seem like, in this day and age, it's so rare to see someone who has strong morals and values that they hold true to, unless they are religious?
I am by no means a religious person, although I have becoming more spiritual and even maybe developing a desire to become more religious recently. I do, however, think that I am and always have been a very moral and ethical person, with strong values. Of course, many of my friends from Catholic school disagree with a lot of my values and would say that this post is stupid but I don't care.
What I'm getting at, though, is how people treat people. Why did it take a church youth group to bring a feeling of welcomeness at a high school, even after the suicide of an outcast? Why does the protagonist of To Save a Life find God before being able to treat people with respect?
Why can't we find it within ourselves to treat others with love and respect? I don't care if you're old or young, stupid or brilliant, gorgeous or ugly, black or white, I will treat you with love and respect. I'm completely human and have many flaws, and DO judge people internally, but I refuse to let my judgments - which I am trying to change but haven't totally been able to - impact the way I treat people. You might call that fake, but I call it ME. I won't pretend to think you're the most amazing person in the world if I just don't like you, but I will give you the time of day. I will be there if you need to talk. I will donate money if I have it and an organization is legit. I will donate time to a cause I believe in.
I'm not doing this for God. I'm not sure who God is, or what, or where. All I know is, I'm doing it for me.
(of course, my belief is leaning towards the fact that God is inside everyone, so perhaps it is God. Perhaps God is what drives good things, but maybe God is just a synonym for the charge of positive energy and love. I don't know if I believe in God as a person-ish thing, but if God is energy and love and respect coming from one and channeled to another, then I guess you could say that I am sure that I believe)
** Funny thing is, this post was kind of taking a very non-religious standpoint... "Why do we need to use religion as a reason to be nice to people? Why can't we just treat people well without doing it because we want to go to Heaven, we fear God and don't want to get on his bad side, etc? Why can't we all just realize that as humans we are all inherently equally deserving of everything?" and yet, I kind of surprised myself at the end.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Size Ate
This past Friday, I had the amazing opportunity to see Margaux Laskey's one-woman show, Size Ate. I almost didn't go. I didn't think I had anyone to see it with, then Marissa mentioned free tickets, and I decided that for free, I would go alone. Then I ended up roping Ana in to see it with me (it was not very hard to do).
I laughed, I cried, I wished I had a pen and paper to write down meaningful things she said, and I thought. A lot. Thinking is what I did most of all.
I think that different parts of the show struck a chord with different people. One thing that got almost everyone, whether they had eating disorders or not, was "the walking scene" where Margaux is walking up and down the blocks of NYC to burn off her nearly-nonexistent caloric intake. Personally, I could remember being there. I even got one of those nostalgic twinges in my stomach, wishing to go back, if only for a day, an hour, a minute. But that wasn't the kicker for me.
Unfortunately, I don't remember the quote exactly (I am going to try to ask Margaux for it and will update you)...but it was something to the effect of, "Mothers die...children grow up...something else that I related to less went here and it was emphasized that LIFE GOES ON."
Well, if you know me personally, you know that my mother did not die. But if you know me really deeply, you know that that is one of my greatest fears and perhaps played some sort of part in the development of my eating disorder.
If you know me on the inside, or if you have a really good perception of people, you might also know that growing up is one of my biggest fears and that I have used my ED to avoid that as well, in addition to lots of childlike coping mechanisms that are healthier, like watching kids' movies, playing with toys, etc.
And if you have seen me struggle and see me now, you know that the biggest thing I am trying to teach myself is that life goes on. People die, life goes on. Children grow up, life goes on. We gain weight, life goes on. We eat two pieces of cake, life goes on. We lose an important piece of correspondence at work, life goes on. We run out of gas on the highway, life goes on. We fall in love, we fall out of love, we win, we lose, we achieve, we fall short, but no matter what, life goes on.
Another thing that kept running through my head was, "Size Ate." Because the truth is, I AM a size eight now (usually. sometimes a ten, sometimes a six...hell sometimes I'm a 12 and occasionally I buy an XS...it varies!) and thoughts go through my mind..."is she saying that this is the perfect size? her perfect size? it's not the perfect size for me! I'm too big." I'm too big at a size eight? I was a size sixteen once. I remember going from 16 being too tight to finally fitting to 14 (when I said to my mom, "And soon I'll be a 12, then a 10, then an 8, then---" she stopped me and said, "we don't want you getting too thin! Just healthy!") to 12 to 10 and when I fit in the size 8, when I hit that single digit, of COURSE it wasn't good enough. I still feel huge! Some days I feel pretty but I am bigger than a lot of my friends (many of whom are in recovery from anorexia, though, so I'm not really comparing myself to the right people), bigger than the models, bigger than Rachel, Phoebe, and Monica who I watch on Friends, bigger than my therapist, nutritionist, and psychiatrist - all of whom I admire, bigger bigger bigger. (Notice that I'm not listing on here all the people who I'm smaller than. The average size in America is 14 so I'm smaller than more than half of the American women...but does this appease me AT ALL? No. I only want to be smaller than the people who I'm bigger than, of course. I only want to wear a size smaller than what I already wear. If I become a consistent size six, I'll want to be a four. That's what's so appealing about being a 00...nothing comes before it. Well, not in "grownup clothes" at least.)
I will never be a size 0 or anything close to it. It is possible that if I had my genes and a different childhood where we didn't eat sweets, where we were active and never watched tv, where I didn't drink soda, where I never was overweight as a child, I might have eventually healthily grown into a size 0. I have a small bone structure, for real, I do.
But I grew up with parents who were so proud of me for eating three helpings one day that I started to eat three helpings of dinner every night ,even if I really didn't want to. I drank soda and ate Oreos to the point that I couldn't sleep at night because I liked the bubbles in the soda and I liked the mushiness of the Oreos (FYI: seltzer has bubbles too, and broccoli can be cooked to the texture of mushy Oreos, so if my parents were really concerned, they could have made some changes). It was exciting to be only 11 and able to order from the "grownup menu" but if you were going to order from the grownup menu, you had to plan to eat it all! I wasn't a compulsive eater by any means, but I was not a healthy eater and I wasn't very well informed at all. I knew that diets consisted of Diet Coke, salads, and SlimFast and I knew that kids weren't supposed to go on them. Sometimes I was uncomfortable with my size and I wished to get smaller but it never happened.
In 7th grade, The Best Little Girl in the World happened. I would like to thank my 7th grade English teacher, who could never get my name right and always got me in trouble, for assigning the book that made me realize an eating disorder was possible. Would I have found restricting and purging to be ways to cope at some other point in my life without having ever had this book or having Mr. Feig as a teacher? It's quite likely, especially due to the torment I began to steadily receive in middle school due to being overweight. I skipped a meal for the first time in 7th grade. I used to eat lunch in Health class, because that's what the kids who took band had to do. So, I stopped being Healthy and ditched the lunch. No one ever said anything. Nothing negative, anyway. On the outside, I started getting comments about my weight loss and I loved it.
My sixth grade graduation dress was a size 14 (I was not even 5 feet tall). My eighth grade graduation dress was a 13 (which they say translates into a 14 but I'd say it's more like a smallish 12...since Juniors and Women's sizes are so different). When I buy a dress now, I buy a 6 or an 8.
Sometimes, I say that I am lucky in that I have never had to gain weight as part of recovery from my eating disorder, in the true "weight gain" sense at least. However, part of my recovery has been gaining five pounds and accepting it. Sometimes realizing it's muscle. Sometimes realizing that I'll lose it after my period. And sometimes realizing that bodies change, mine included.
It was funny, really, when I hit my own personal "size ate." I had been a size ten for about a year and some months of a stable recovery. I had gotten really into fitness for a while, and was weight training and dabbling in kickboxing, in addition to doing lots of yoga. When I weighed myself, I was shocked to see that I had gained five pounds, and when I searched for dresses for my cousin's wedding, I was pretty sure that I'd need to buy a size 12, not a size 10. It turned out that I actually needed a size 8, because the numbers may have gone up, but the body had built muscle and changed shape.
Just two days before seeing Margaux perform "Size Ate," I had a little realization myself. I, like most other people in recovery from eating disorders, "feel fat" a lot, and become convinced that I am gaining weight when I am eating something enjoyable, relaxing, not exercising for a long period of time, etc. I had a doctor's appointment with my ED specialist for the first time in a few months, and I knew she was going to weigh me, and I don't always like her response. I said to my therapist, "I am going to need to weigh myself!" She suggested to me, "You're seeing Laura (nutritionist) that day, why don't you have her weigh you first, instead of doing it at home, since you haven't in so long?" I had never weighed myself at my nutritionist's office. We agreed that it would be best to focus on the fact that my weight is not important right now. So, I saw Laura's scale for the first time - the same exact scale as my former nutritionist had. The last time I had seen this nutritionist, S, had been back in 2008, nearly two years ago. I stepped on Laura's scale and was the exact same weight as I had been on S's scale two years earlier. To the tenth of a pound.
And I have eaten brownies, cupcakes, cookies, pizza, lasagna, chicken nuggets, french fries, sweet potato fries, peanut butter fudge ice cream sundaes, pasta, potato latkes, full-fat salad dressing, and so forth. I have survived two thanksgivings, two christmases, a handful of Jewish holidays, birthdays, work parties, reunions, etc. I have exercised regularly, and I have gone months without exercising.
And the truth is, for the majority of the past two years, I have listened to my body and done what it wanted, and my weight didn't budge.
Would I have liked it to have gone down? Yes, yes I would have. Was I WORKING at it going down? No.
I may be able to pull out pages and pages of evidence saying that I am NOT at a healthy weight and need to lose 10, 20, 30, 50 pounds in order to be healthy. However, I just wrote pages of evidence right here saying that I am just fine.
Weight doesn't matter. Food doesn't matter. Size doesn't matter.
Intuition, that's what matters. Feeling good (or trying to). Breaking free.
Pizza
Pizza was a HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE fear food for me for so long. So huge and so much fear, in fact, that I was convinced that I didn't like it. Even the smell really did make me nauseous (although anxiety makes one nauseous too...) and I could not stand it. It started with the calories. Then the way it tasted when I would throw it up. And finally, just the anxiety itself made it so disgusting to me. I couldn't even think about eating it.
I'm not really sure how I brought pizza back into my life. I had veggie pizza three times during my residential and partial treatment at CEDC (although it was not served by the program any of the times - it was always out on pass). I had never eaten pizza with veggies before, actually. Maybe one veggie. But usually, I'd just get plain pizza - if any pizza at all, as far back as I can remember (aside from my extra cheese days as a child). Veggies made pizza seem a little more well-balanced though, and I was able to apply my nutrition education to it and feel okay about it.
After coming back to New York (where pizza is very different than it is in Boston!) I still refused to eat pizza, but a few weeks into my stepdown program at Renfrew, and my FIRST night in IOP (the day after my birthday, which was scary enough, going out for dinner and having dessert), we had pizza. There were 2 plain pies and one veggie pie. Classic NY pizza. We had to have a slice and a half, AND salad WITH DRESSING. And only one of our slices could be veggie. So I had a veggie slice and half a plain slice, and some salad. Lots of girls said that they were so used to bingeing on pizza, or eating more pizza than that. Others, like me, struggled with the pizza, having it be the first real pizza they've had in ages (since college graduation, for me). One girl (LOVE YOU <3) wasn't able to eat the pizza at all. But I got through it. I wasn't proud - I felt disgusting. But it was done, and it tasted pretty good.
My family eats pizza a lot. I came up with a solution. Our local pizza place has a basil slice - a crispy crust with a very tasty sauce with lots of garlic and basil, and no cheese. I'd get that a lot, loaded with veggies. Healthy, yes. Tasty, yes. Pizza, not really.
I've had tastes of pizza, was pressured into slices of pizza, and so forth, on various occasions. I won't lie. I've definitely had pizza before my defining pizza moment. But those slices of pizza in the past weren't independent choices. They were pressured. They were almost forced.
Then one day, in Grand Central Station after my psychiatrist appointment, I felt a craving for pizza. And, I went to the counter and got myself a slice. Just a plain slice, to go, to eat on the train. I did it. It was delicious.
This was a couple of months ago and I have eaten pizza a handful of times since then. I've been to trendy pizzerias and classic famous pizzerias bragging about the best pizza in the county. I've eaten NYC pizza, New Jersey pizza, suburban NY pizza, and homemade pizza. Saucy, cheesy, crispy, doughy, garlicky, basil-y, different everywhere.
And right now, I am about to go out for pizza with my family. And I'm excited for pizza. My therapist loves pizza and eats it at least once a week - never just one slice. My nutritionist loves pizza and eats it often too, as much as she wants, because she knows her body is not going to lie to her. They have both given me recommendations of good pizza places near my classes. I've resigned myself to the fact that I will be eating a lot of pizza this semester. And I will be enjoying it.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Too much?
You know, my personal feeling is that I feel good when I help other people. Occasionally I encounter frustrations but most of the time I feel good knowing that they are getting what they need, and feel glad that I was able to play a part in it.
All my life, people have said to me, "worry about yourself," "don't make unnecessary work for yourself," "stop doing so much for other people," "you come first," "you don't have to..."
And sure, there may have been times when I helped other people when I was the one who needed help (a great example would be my first round in residential), but I've since learned to balance it. Asking for help and giving help.
After discussing reaching out to various people to find resources for a friend in need, I said to Andrea, "I do too much for other people..." and she said "I don't think so! Unless YOU think it's too much..." It really set off a lightbulb for me.
Because who is to tell me if what I'm doing is too much? Random people who don't know me very well at all tend to be the ones who say it. I'd rather listen to and help a friend then go out drinking and dancing. I'd rather use my internet time searching for therapists for a good friend instead of playing Farmville and Cafe World. Id rather lend a hand when I have a hand to lend, than just respond with sadfaced IMs and "oh, that sucks." I prefer, "How can I help you get through this?" or "Would you like it if I _____" or just plain old, "I'm always here to listen."
I did get burnt out listening to a couple of people in the past, but they weren't my good friends, and they were extremely demanding. At first it was nice to help but eventually it was too much. But I called myself out on it, before it hurt me much, if at all. And now, even knowing that sometimes I might get sucked in a little too far, I'm happy to help.
When I'm employed as a professional, there will be boundaries and I won't be able to dive into someone's life as fully as I can right now. Helping is something I like to do and as long as it makes me feel good and isn't hurting anyone (and is generally helping someone else out in the process..even if it's a failed attempt because they at least know that someone cares), then I say go for it. It's not taking over my life -in fact, it makes my life better in the long run because it will get my friend back on her feet. Hmm, maybe it's even a little selfish ;)
I know self-care and balance are important, and I think that right now, I've got them covered. I think I've developed a lot of self-awareness and know when to back down.
All my life, people have said to me, "worry about yourself," "don't make unnecessary work for yourself," "stop doing so much for other people," "you come first," "you don't have to..."
And sure, there may have been times when I helped other people when I was the one who needed help (a great example would be my first round in residential), but I've since learned to balance it. Asking for help and giving help.
After discussing reaching out to various people to find resources for a friend in need, I said to Andrea, "I do too much for other people..." and she said "I don't think so! Unless YOU think it's too much..." It really set off a lightbulb for me.
Because who is to tell me if what I'm doing is too much? Random people who don't know me very well at all tend to be the ones who say it. I'd rather listen to and help a friend then go out drinking and dancing. I'd rather use my internet time searching for therapists for a good friend instead of playing Farmville and Cafe World. Id rather lend a hand when I have a hand to lend, than just respond with sadfaced IMs and "oh, that sucks." I prefer, "How can I help you get through this?" or "Would you like it if I _____" or just plain old, "I'm always here to listen."
I did get burnt out listening to a couple of people in the past, but they weren't my good friends, and they were extremely demanding. At first it was nice to help but eventually it was too much. But I called myself out on it, before it hurt me much, if at all. And now, even knowing that sometimes I might get sucked in a little too far, I'm happy to help.
When I'm employed as a professional, there will be boundaries and I won't be able to dive into someone's life as fully as I can right now. Helping is something I like to do and as long as it makes me feel good and isn't hurting anyone (and is generally helping someone else out in the process..even if it's a failed attempt because they at least know that someone cares), then I say go for it. It's not taking over my life -in fact, it makes my life better in the long run because it will get my friend back on her feet. Hmm, maybe it's even a little selfish ;)
I know self-care and balance are important, and I think that right now, I've got them covered. I think I've developed a lot of self-awareness and know when to back down.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Exercise.
I exercised a lot, about 8 months ago, because I really liked it.
I was in really good shape.
Then I got so busy and just had no time for exercise.
Now, I have time.
But I don't feeeeeeel like doing it today.
I'm bored, therefore I should go to the gym.
I have time to exercise, therefore I should go to the gym.
These statements are all incorrect.
I should go to the gym because I FEEL LIKE IT. Otherwise, it's not coming from the right place.
I'm not sedentary. I walk around, I go ice skating, I do yoga, I climb on things. If I don't wanna go to the gym today, that's okay.
And that is all.
I was in really good shape.
Then I got so busy and just had no time for exercise.
Now, I have time.
But I don't feeeeeeel like doing it today.
I'm bored, therefore I should go to the gym.
I have time to exercise, therefore I should go to the gym.
These statements are all incorrect.
I should go to the gym because I FEEL LIKE IT. Otherwise, it's not coming from the right place.
I'm not sedentary. I walk around, I go ice skating, I do yoga, I climb on things. If I don't wanna go to the gym today, that's okay.
And that is all.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Top Five Things I Want, That My Mom Won't Let Me Have
The title speaks for itself. Here we go.
1. Cuisinart Soft Serve Ice Cream Maker
2. A trampoline. Small, medium, large, whatever.
3. A ball pit.
4. Lots of kittens.
5. A hot tub/jacuzzi.
1. Cuisinart Soft Serve Ice Cream Maker
2. A trampoline. Small, medium, large, whatever.
3. A ball pit.
4. Lots of kittens.
5. A hot tub/jacuzzi.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Shoes and Therapy...
So the other night, I was bored and googled my psychiatrist, and clicked on a rating site where I could read people's reviews of her. Everyone gave her a five-star review (and I would have done the same), except for one person, who never even met her but just had to put his/her two cents in.
This was the review:
A***** I******, MD has impeccable credentials and graduated from the top schools, but when seeing any physician experience should be key. If I am seeing a physician and paying top dollar I want at least 15 years of licensed practice. Her date of license in NYS only started on 07/20/05, which is a bit over four years. I will take my chances with someone with excellent schools and a great hospital fellowship with some twenty years in the area of specialty.
I honestly and truly do not believe that years of experience plays a role in the ability of a mental health professional to help a client. Cliche as it may sound, it's more about the experience in the years. Every clinician, whether psychiatrist, psychiatrist, social worker, or nutritionist goes through a thorough education. Further, licensure isn't granted upon graduation! It takes built-up experience and supervision for one to become licensed or certified in a specific field.
I am 23 years old and have seen 14 psychiatrists in my lifetime, when including inpatient, outpatient, and private practice psychiatrists. My current psychiatrist, Dr I, is by far the best psychiatrist I have ever worked with. She is not THE most inexperienced, as I saw two of her med school classmates when I was at an outpatient treatment center, about two years before I started working with her (and I would have gone back to either of those psychiatrists if I had the opportunity). However, the remaining eleven psychiatrists have all been more experienced, and many had great credentials, graduating from New York University, Columbia, Cornell...among the best. While I'll get to the best fit concept in a minute, I just want to reiterate that not only is Dr I the best fit, but she is also the smartest (at least from what I can tell!), most compassionate, and most human psychiatrist I have ever worked with.
My therapist has only been licensed a few years as well. In fact, I just checked the Office of Professions (as the reviewer did for my psychiatrist) and she was licensed in January, 2008. I started seeing her in June, 2008. I do not believe that I have suffered in any way from her lack of experience. Again, she happens to be a great fit for me, but it's more than just a good fit, again. It's about being a good therapist to begin with.
So where am I going about the shoes and the best fit concept?
Okay. Well, let me tell you a little bit about myself. My feet are a size 7, maybe 7.5. Wide. Sometimes I wear a 6.5 and my sneakers are a size 8. Sometimes I can even buy shoes in the kids department, size 4.5-5. I wear a different size in every brand. I can't wear ballet flats comfortably. Converse sneakers make my ankles hurt. I have trouble walking in heels, unless they're boots, then I can do it with no problem. I'm definitely not designed for pointy-toe shoes. I love to wear my Uggs, even though I refused to buy a pair when they first came out, because I believed they were ugly. I have a whole closet full of shoes that I don't wear because I bought them because they were comfortable in the store, but when I tried wearing them at home they just didn't work for me. I also have shoes that are pretty comfortable that looked good in the store that just don't look as good at home.
This is similar to my experience with therapists and psychiatrists. I have seen two dozen or more mental health professionals in some capacity throughout my life. Old and young. Experienced and inexperienced. Male and female. Pretty and ugly. Mostly Caucasian but there were some other ethnicities in there as well. Recently, a friend recommended a psychiatrist to me who she had been seeing for quite some time, and thought she was great. I could not click with her. I was uncomfortable and intimidated, and dreaded our visits.
This is not a unique occurrence when looking for the right mental health professional. You might receive recommendations from other people that don't really work for you. Kind of like ballet flats. Everyone told me how comfortable ballet flats were. I finally bought a pair one day, and they cut up my feet so badly. I tried pair after pair, and I came out with cuts and blisters every time. Plus they didn't even stay on my feet very well.
Everyone has their own opinion on what shoes are comfortable, and what looks best on them. Same with mental healthcare providers. Some people need someone old and motherly, or a wise professor-like man. Others need someone close to our age, or just as long as they're young enough to NOT be our mother. I now know my needs for a therapist/psychiatrist, just like I know my needs for shoes and boots. I need someone young and relatable, compassionate, empathic, someone who will let me speak and won't interrupt me or talk over me unless it's necessary (and just disagreeing with me does not equal necessity). Someone who sees me as an individual, and not a diagnosis. It took a while. I sought "specialists" found that they either lumped me together with everyone else, or were shocked that I was different than their previous patients with my diagnosis. I thought maybe finding a therapist with a PsyD would be a good answer because it's a new degree therefore the therapist would be new to the field. I tried insurance, I gave up on insurance. I tried psychologytoday. I asked friends for referrals. I googled.
I found my therapist by calling a different therapist - one who I decided based on her picture on psychologytoday.com that I might be okay working with her. She wasn't taking on any new clients and referred me to my therapist, A. And I don't know how well I would or would not have clicked with this first therapist, but I am so glad that things turned out the way they did.
I found my psychiatrist by googling psychiatrists in the area and looking through various sites when Google Ad showed up with a link to Dr I's CitySearch review page. Sounds silly but after reading her profile (and further Googling her and finding some things she had written) I almost felt an instant connection to her and called her right away. I've only been seeing her for a little while, but I couldn't be happier with her.
So, the moral of my story is -- years of experience is not what makes someone a good therapist or psychiatrist. It's their training, their life experiences (more important in this field than in any other field...in my opinion anyway!), their motivations, their character, their driving forces, their natural inclination to help. Experience in the field is always important, you know, to make sure that you actually know what you're doing. But by the time the person is licensed, it's not so much about how long they've been doing it as opposed to what they can do and how they do it. And the fit of the client to the therapist is probably most important. A great clinician can do very little with a client with whom they just don't click. I've been the unclickable client. I've been the clinician in that situation as well. I know it happens. Really, it's more than anything that can be found on the Office of Professions website. You can get an idea (for example, I work better with clinicians closer to my age than my parents', so I know that someone who was licensed in 1970 would not be one who I would call to schedule an intake with), yeah, but don't limit yourself to those "experienced" professionals, because that experience is all subjective. What if someone has been a licensed psychologist for only 1 year, but was a LCSW for 18 years before?! You might not know that off the bat.
Just reminding everyone else to take a second look.
One day, it'll be my profile that you'll be finding and wondering if my credentials are good enough to help you, and I hope that by that point, you've learned to understand that it's more than the credentials. It's what's inside.
I just wanted to put that out there, in case maybe someone is looking for a psychiatrist or therapist and doesn't know how to approach it.
This was the review:
A***** I******, MD has impeccable credentials and graduated from the top schools, but when seeing any physician experience should be key. If I am seeing a physician and paying top dollar I want at least 15 years of licensed practice. Her date of license in NYS only started on 07/20/05, which is a bit over four years. I will take my chances with someone with excellent schools and a great hospital fellowship with some twenty years in the area of specialty.
I honestly and truly do not believe that years of experience plays a role in the ability of a mental health professional to help a client. Cliche as it may sound, it's more about the experience in the years. Every clinician, whether psychiatrist, psychiatrist, social worker, or nutritionist goes through a thorough education. Further, licensure isn't granted upon graduation! It takes built-up experience and supervision for one to become licensed or certified in a specific field.
I am 23 years old and have seen 14 psychiatrists in my lifetime, when including inpatient, outpatient, and private practice psychiatrists. My current psychiatrist, Dr I, is by far the best psychiatrist I have ever worked with. She is not THE most inexperienced, as I saw two of her med school classmates when I was at an outpatient treatment center, about two years before I started working with her (and I would have gone back to either of those psychiatrists if I had the opportunity). However, the remaining eleven psychiatrists have all been more experienced, and many had great credentials, graduating from New York University, Columbia, Cornell...among the best. While I'll get to the best fit concept in a minute, I just want to reiterate that not only is Dr I the best fit, but she is also the smartest (at least from what I can tell!), most compassionate, and most human psychiatrist I have ever worked with.
My therapist has only been licensed a few years as well. In fact, I just checked the Office of Professions (as the reviewer did for my psychiatrist) and she was licensed in January, 2008. I started seeing her in June, 2008. I do not believe that I have suffered in any way from her lack of experience. Again, she happens to be a great fit for me, but it's more than just a good fit, again. It's about being a good therapist to begin with.
So where am I going about the shoes and the best fit concept?
Okay. Well, let me tell you a little bit about myself. My feet are a size 7, maybe 7.5. Wide. Sometimes I wear a 6.5 and my sneakers are a size 8. Sometimes I can even buy shoes in the kids department, size 4.5-5. I wear a different size in every brand. I can't wear ballet flats comfortably. Converse sneakers make my ankles hurt. I have trouble walking in heels, unless they're boots, then I can do it with no problem. I'm definitely not designed for pointy-toe shoes. I love to wear my Uggs, even though I refused to buy a pair when they first came out, because I believed they were ugly. I have a whole closet full of shoes that I don't wear because I bought them because they were comfortable in the store, but when I tried wearing them at home they just didn't work for me. I also have shoes that are pretty comfortable that looked good in the store that just don't look as good at home.
This is similar to my experience with therapists and psychiatrists. I have seen two dozen or more mental health professionals in some capacity throughout my life. Old and young. Experienced and inexperienced. Male and female. Pretty and ugly. Mostly Caucasian but there were some other ethnicities in there as well. Recently, a friend recommended a psychiatrist to me who she had been seeing for quite some time, and thought she was great. I could not click with her. I was uncomfortable and intimidated, and dreaded our visits.
This is not a unique occurrence when looking for the right mental health professional. You might receive recommendations from other people that don't really work for you. Kind of like ballet flats. Everyone told me how comfortable ballet flats were. I finally bought a pair one day, and they cut up my feet so badly. I tried pair after pair, and I came out with cuts and blisters every time. Plus they didn't even stay on my feet very well.
Everyone has their own opinion on what shoes are comfortable, and what looks best on them. Same with mental healthcare providers. Some people need someone old and motherly, or a wise professor-like man. Others need someone close to our age, or just as long as they're young enough to NOT be our mother. I now know my needs for a therapist/psychiatrist, just like I know my needs for shoes and boots. I need someone young and relatable, compassionate, empathic, someone who will let me speak and won't interrupt me or talk over me unless it's necessary (and just disagreeing with me does not equal necessity). Someone who sees me as an individual, and not a diagnosis. It took a while. I sought "specialists" found that they either lumped me together with everyone else, or were shocked that I was different than their previous patients with my diagnosis. I thought maybe finding a therapist with a PsyD would be a good answer because it's a new degree therefore the therapist would be new to the field. I tried insurance, I gave up on insurance. I tried psychologytoday. I asked friends for referrals. I googled.
I found my therapist by calling a different therapist - one who I decided based on her picture on psychologytoday.com that I might be okay working with her. She wasn't taking on any new clients and referred me to my therapist, A. And I don't know how well I would or would not have clicked with this first therapist, but I am so glad that things turned out the way they did.
I found my psychiatrist by googling psychiatrists in the area and looking through various sites when Google Ad showed up with a link to Dr I's CitySearch review page. Sounds silly but after reading her profile (and further Googling her and finding some things she had written) I almost felt an instant connection to her and called her right away. I've only been seeing her for a little while, but I couldn't be happier with her.
So, the moral of my story is -- years of experience is not what makes someone a good therapist or psychiatrist. It's their training, their life experiences (more important in this field than in any other field...in my opinion anyway!), their motivations, their character, their driving forces, their natural inclination to help. Experience in the field is always important, you know, to make sure that you actually know what you're doing. But by the time the person is licensed, it's not so much about how long they've been doing it as opposed to what they can do and how they do it. And the fit of the client to the therapist is probably most important. A great clinician can do very little with a client with whom they just don't click. I've been the unclickable client. I've been the clinician in that situation as well. I know it happens. Really, it's more than anything that can be found on the Office of Professions website. You can get an idea (for example, I work better with clinicians closer to my age than my parents', so I know that someone who was licensed in 1970 would not be one who I would call to schedule an intake with), yeah, but don't limit yourself to those "experienced" professionals, because that experience is all subjective. What if someone has been a licensed psychologist for only 1 year, but was a LCSW for 18 years before?! You might not know that off the bat.
Just reminding everyone else to take a second look.
One day, it'll be my profile that you'll be finding and wondering if my credentials are good enough to help you, and I hope that by that point, you've learned to understand that it's more than the credentials. It's what's inside.
I just wanted to put that out there, in case maybe someone is looking for a psychiatrist or therapist and doesn't know how to approach it.
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